Over the last two decades, I have worked with enterprising families as an advisor on their governance structures as well as providing advice on their personal relationships and family dynamics. In my experience working with these families, occasionally during our first meetings, some families are quick to define themselves as "dysfunctional."
I have found that when a member diagnoses his or her family with this term, it tends to be more associated with the myths that society has created around the concept of dysfunctionality in general. A dysfunctional family is one in which conflicts, misbehaviour, or abuse occur continuously and regularly, creating for their members a “normality” of a lack of structure and emotional support. On the other hand, a functional family is a family where hierarchy, norms, and limits offer a secure environment for a nourishing development of their members.
How should a family enterprise advisor assess the dysfunctionality of a family? It’s hard to say in a technical way. Only a licensed specialist in mental health disciplines can determine whether a family is in a stage of permanent pathological imbalance or breakdown. And even among experts, there can still be debate.
The Utopia Of Happiness
There is a phrase that has become popular among those who have devoted themselves to studying families: "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way," a phrase that belongs to Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy. In my experience, functional families that are able to fully meet the happiness requirements of their members are rare, although some families with functional characteristics in their relationships that help develop the individuals' happiness and are perceived from the outside as a happy group.
Let's not fool ourselves: we can’t always be happy. We experience frustrations and unhappy conditions routinely in life. Happiness will always be a personal decision, not a collective quality.
I’m not saying that happiness is a measure of healthy family functioning. Having a family without pain is a fantasy. This is something that, as agents of change, consultants can make clear to their clients at some point. Living in eternal happiness is impossible. And the cliché that a "successful" business family is always a happy one seems to reinforce the myth that successful parents are perfect and successful children have no problems.
Everybody’s Fine
Families often tend to deny or hide crises and show others a reality of apparent happiness. Santiago brought to his interview a predisposition to justify behaviours or circumstance that he did not want to accept but, in fact, needed to be addressed and probably changed. When a client begins to describe his family with these words or describes himself by saying, "I am special," it is possible that he or she intends to make a minimum effort for change and may want the consultant to do the work for them.
The beloved 1990 film "Stanno Tutti Bene," starring Marcelo Mastroianni, tells the story of a father who travels throughout Italy to visit his disbanded progeny, finally bringing a report of the situation to his beloved wife. All the secrets and embarrassing situations that children wish to hide from their parents are naively disguised, leaving viewers with the uncomfortable responsibility of sharing the secret of the main characters, who want at all costs to preserve the honourable façade of the family.
As advisors, it is important to let our family clients know that, ultimately, they are the only ones who are responsible to implement any needed changes. While advisors can provide context and best practices, it is always important to remind clients that creating healthy relationships is a personal responsibility and a job that everyone must remain committed to in order to remain functional.
The path to happiness will always depend on individual decisions. Having relatives creates a co-responsibility or a two-way street: one family member can make demands of others to help increase his or her happiness but must also expect other family members to make similar demands of him or her. Sometimes, the best recommendation for family enterprise clients may be to “be honest with yourself and among yourselves.”
About the Author - Guillermo is an Affiliate Senior Advisor at Cambridge Family Enterprise Group and founder of director of Exaudi Family Business Consulting. He is a lecturer, educator, author, and expert advisor on family governance, strategic succession planning, generational transition, and conflict resolution. He is an FFI Fellow, former FFI board member. Guillermo is the recipient of the 2015 FFI International Achievement Award. He can be reached at He can be reached at gsalazar@cfeg.com.
References
Diamond, J. (1999). Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies. W. W. Norton & Company, New York, NY, USA, 528 pp.
Minuchin, S. & Fishman, C. (1981). Family Therapy Techniques. Harvard University Press. Cambridge, MA, USA. 303 pp.
Whitaker, C. & Bumberry, W. (1988). Dancing with the Family: A Symbolic-Experiential Approach. Routledge, Oxfordshire, England, UK. 248 pp.
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