Discomfort is a complicated soul; we can often feel many discomforts at once about contradictory things. Reality is not a model, it's messy. When going through succession it can be like this, "I need you to have control but I am uncomfortable letting you have control, and I am uncomfortable that this is coming out in my behaviour and you must think I am crazy!"
Result 1: Rapid intensification of discomfort feelings, shouting and upset.
Result 2: Avoidance - we don't practice the uncomfortable change of you having control; instead we practice shouting and upset.
"No pain no gain!" "If you wait, you can have more sweets later." "There is no such thing as a free lunch." We all know the phrases that point at a profound thing about us. When we need change, there is a cost to pay, and that's uncomfortable (for a while).
Discomfort is a powerful evolutionary signal for learning and growth. When we first face something we need but cannot yet do, the result is often confusion, and even panic. These are good things (if we don't revert to avoidance again). They are what it feels like when a brain engages with uncertainty, and the ability to tolerate discomfort is a mark of success. It gives me some hope that the new government is telegraphing hard work and discomfort ahead, rather than the diet of immediacy we have lived through from our leaders for too many years. Will they stick to the promise of discomfort? I hope so.
Uncomfortable conversations are the stuff of succession. Everyone going through it needs a dose of controlled discomfort and our Dead Cat Conversations give them the pathway to problem solving.
But does it have to be all about discomfort and avoidance, like some Cromwellian Christmas?
What of their other ally, playfulness? Playing is a natural way of learning. It is full of the dramas of normal life; the discomfort, the cost, the success and payoff. It is immersive in a way that is seriously distracting to the costs of learning, and this is why it is so useful. When you bring play into learning, it unleashes the possibility of fun.
"A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down." We all know about this stuff, and it is embedded in these culturally resonant sayings. I hope the government can find a way of bringing more humour and play to the serious work of changing the UK. And I hope you too don't have just to suffer discomfort to learn, but find a way of fully immersing yourself in the flow of your challenges, in a playful way, so that you don't really notice discomfort. You may suddenly find the anxiety, struggle and graft has paid off with a you that is somehow more.
If you are facing discomfort, throw out avoidance, and embrace playfulness and flow to win.
About the Author - Nick Mayhew is the Managing Director of Alembic Strategy, a management consultancy firm based in London, working with family business leaders in the UK and internationally.
Nick is launching a masterclass series, Dealing with Difficult, taking a deep dive into the neuroscience of discomfort, how it manifests in our thoughts, behaviours and words, and a new suite of Alembic tools for leaders to access power and performance under pressure, tackle burnout and stress, to use yourself or work on with colleagues or coaching clients.
Family Business United is delighted to be partnering with Nick and the team at Alembic on this new masterclass. Find out all about it here
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